This article is written by me – Kim Debron – it is owned by me. If you copy it, please give the credit to me, otherwise you are committing an act of plagiarism – you are stealing my work.
The word control has so very many different connotations - a teacher controls a room full of students; a rider controls a horse; we control the car when we drive; we try to control our tempers; an accountant controls the finances of a company, all the same word, all the same basic meaning.
So, then, what does the word control really mean?
We can look in the dictionary and come up with a definition:
* To exercise an authoritative or dominating influence over something or someone;
* To adjust something or someone to a requirement;
* To hold in restraint;
* One that controls; a controlling agent, or a device, or an organization.
* A restraining device,
* A measure,
* A limit placed on something or someone;
So then, the word control really does mean - in very simple terms - to exert an influence over something or someone, to bend him/her or it to your will
What other words can be used to show the meaning of control?
To dominate, to guide, to direct, to discipline, to regulate, to rule; all of those words would fit, to accurately describe the word “control”.
Okay so now that we have established what the word control actually does mean, how does that fit into the BDSM way of life? What does that really mean in the context of the life of a D/s Relationship?
To start with we have to know about Dominance and submission, and what those terms really do signify.
What is Dominance?
Dominance is a governing or exercising of one's will, influence, or control over another person, in a safe, sane consensual and mutually pleasurable exchange of power. Sometimes it is combined with elements of sadism.
What is submission?
Submission is a yielding or surrendering of one's control to the will or authority of another, again in a safe, sane and consensual and mutually pleasurable exchange of power. Sometimes it is combined with elements of masochism.
In terms of the BDSM lifestyle, then, control means just that, to exert an influence over another person, so that he/she behaves in the manner expected of him/her, to teach the behaviour.
Usually, the sub or slave desires that control in her life, she needs to be directed, to have structure and rules to obey, to have the knowledge that if she disobeys, she will suffer the consequences. She needs to learn the behaviour required of her, and to do that she must be controlled. Her Dom or Master exerts His will - His authority - over her, and she learns to obey. She is controlled, and she is controlled willingly, after all she has given her control to Him.
The sub or slave needs the discipline in her life in order to obey. She needs clear and concise directions, she needs consistency, she needs goals which are not unattainable, and she craves and needs the reward of knowing she is pleasing herMaster when she behaves correctly. All of that can only come with control. It is a challenge to be controlled to that degree and it is not for everybody. If it was easy, what would be the point? It would appear though, that most subs like to be challenged and certainly, the Master likes to push boundaries or challenge the sub.
The Master has to provide the environment to encourage the sub to want to behave. In turn, the sub has to allow herself to let go of all her preconceived ideas. She must give herself to her Master, and in that gift comes her opening of herself to His will, to His bidding, and to His control.
Even in a casual play situation, there is a giving up of control - the sub must give up her control to the Dom, and she must trust Him with it, so that He can tie her, or flog her, or do whatever He chooses, within the agreed limits of their play.
In a deeper more long term D/s relationship, the control can, and usually does, stretch to include modes of dress and appearance ( such as hair and makeup) and also behaviour and attitude, and availability - and this is all control, all a giving of the gift from the sub to the Master.
This can lead to a much deeper awareness for the sub, about what and who she is, and what she craves to make her life complete.
Often a sub knows she needs something, knows that she craves “something in her life” but it can take time to identify exactly what it is - The control, and the domination - that will complete her, and make her feel whole, deep down inside.
What does control mean for me?
This is going to be, by far, the hardest part of my task - to try and put into words what control means to me, my perception of it, and my thoughts and feelings about what it means in my life, and in my submission.
To start with, I believe that the fundamental basis for any D/s relationship has to be, without question, the control, because without it the power exchange would not exist.
I am struggling with words to find an explanation of what it makes me feel like when I am with Master.
I know that I need to sit at His feet, to know that it is my place. It just feels right when I am there.
It feels right when He physically controls me, by say, grabbing my hair and holding me still; it feels right when He has control of my body by me having to ask permission to do things. It feels right when He has control of my mind, when He controls my everyday life.
I don’t have to think - I just am, I just do, I just want to serve, to please Him - that is what I exist for, that is the reason I am here.
Even when I am not physically in His presence, I crave to be with Him, to be near Him, to feel His hands on me, to feel Him close by, to know that He has the control over what is happening. I can feel Him near even when I am not with Him.
Do I fear the control and the domination? No, what I fear is how deep the need seems to be in me, how much of an influence I want the control to have in my life.
I strive to understand where the need for control comes in, having had a domineering, controlling father, and having rebelled against that in my childhood and adolescence, why do I now, as a grown woman, crave the very thing I fought so hard against back then? I know that it was a different situation, I had no choice, but why do I choose it now? In reality, I am a fairly outgoing, and outspoken person, why do I choose to be submissive?
Why does being with a Master who has the control make me feel whole, complete and true to myself? I don’t understand it, I just know that I have a burning need for that control.
I have tried so hard to think about this and analyse exactly what it is I seek, and what I crave in my life to make me feel complete.
My perception of control in a D/s relationship is that I, as a sub, give the control of myself to my Master. I must trust Him to know what is right for me, and how best to train me to serve Him properly, in the manner He wishes.
I am giving control of my mind, body and soul to Him, my whole self, not just a part of me. He takes my gift, and cherishes it, and gives me the things that fill my needs, at the same time filling His own. Once I have given control to my Master, He can teach me to serve Him, to meet His needs in the best way I can. Without the control, that would be impossible.
I crave the domination and control, it isn’t a want, like eating pizza or chocolate, it is a need, that burns deep within my soul. I am fast coming to the realisation that I cannot have a happy and fulfilled life without being able to fill that need, the need to be dominated and controlled.
I control the things in my everyday life, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean the house, I look after my son and support him - I am responsible for all of that.
When I am with my Master, I don’t have to do that stuff for me. If He asked me to clean the house, or do the grocery shopping, I would be doing that for Him, because He needs it. I don’t have to think about it, I just do it because He wishes it, because I need to please Him, because He has the control over me. I don’t want to make the decisions, I don’t want any control, I want someone else to do that. I want it even when I am not with Him.
The control is what I surrender, what I give to Him. I want and need to be guided down the path my Master chooses for me. As a sub, I need a Master that understands this, and works to make it real for me. I want my Master to understand, that just like a child, I need Him to structure my days, my time with Him, and my time away from Him, so that I am constantly being reminded of Him, and of who and what I am. Whether I am with Him physically or not, following His instructions about things gives me security, and that security reminds me of my submission to Him. Even if it is something as simple as eating what I am told to eat for lunch or dinner. Or something as time consuming as kneeling and concentrating on what His presence in my life brings me. It may be something like being denied orgasm, when He knows how much I need it, but for me to be denied, as frustrating as it is, that gives me the control, I need and crave. I can feel His control over me in a situation like that. Doing things He has set for me remind me of who and what I am. That is important, that is the control He has over me. Talking to Him on the phone, and being allowed to play with myself - then having to ask permission to orgasm, that is control.
I know that I need it, the control and the domination, I know deep in my heart that I have to have it, somehow in my life. It is a burning need that I cannot quell, cannot get rid of, it is in my heart, it is in my soul.
I need to have some structure, some rules, some guidelines, to be told to do this or that, and to know that if I don‘t then there will be consequences.
I need to have to ask to use the toilet, to ask for a drink, to ask to put on my socks, take off my jumper etc….. and I need to know that asking may often not get a “yes” response, and that if it’s a “no“, then I must accept that and wait, until Masterdecides that I may do it.
I know that with Master, I will learn what it really means to have control and domination in my life, I understand that at the moment I know nothing - or at least very little, and I so want and need to learn this, it burns in me.
I do understand something about how things work being with Him. I know that it is not a democratic situation as in other types of relationships. It is a dictatorship withMaster - and it’s quite simple really - He is the boss. No question, no hesitation, and I must submit to that dictatorship, it is the basis for our relationship.
Although I feel that submission is not only about sex, nothing touches my sexuality as intensely as my submission to my Master. When combined with the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of submission, the emotional and sexual intensity is beyond my capabilities to explain. I understand that even when it is not a sexual encounter it touches me deeply, in the most powerful of ways. Just a word from Him can leave me soaking wet and aching, .. my need of His control is so great.
It isn’t just about physical control either - it is much more mind control, much deeper than someone physically controlling another person, which is possible of course, and does happen. (grabbing of hair for example is physical control)
I need the control to push my boundaries, I couldn’t do that by myself. WhenMaster spanked me the last time, that session was so hard, I felt as if I had failed because He pushed me to say my safe word, but I recognise that He was controlling it, controlling me, and I needed that.
I recently had the pleasure of meeting two Gorean slaves and their Masters, and that has opened my eyes so much to a level of control that I had only heard about. To see it, in front of me, in the flesh, made me think very deeply about things and now, writing this, even more so.
Watching the slaves, their confidence and their complete trust and faith in theirMasters, gave me such an insight into what control really means.
I could really see that both slaves had no hesitation in doing whatever was asked of them, no matter what it was, no matter how confronting, or embarrassing, or humiliating - no matter how hard - it was done without question.
I could see the control that the Masters had over the slaves, I could see that both slaves were happy and contented and were thriving on the dynamics of the power exchange.
The rituals and the positions that I was shown, they are all a measure of the control that the Master showed over His slave, and it was plain to see that the power exchange worked well, that the control He had over her, was total and absolute, and that she adored Him for it.
Even when one slave was punished for not cleaning the fireplace properly, she never hesitated when told to assume the position, and she never whimpered or made a sound as she was punished. The Master was in absolute control and His word was law, even though she knew it would hurt, and she would have felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of the rest of us, the control He had over her was such that she did not hesitate for one second.
There are a lot of people who would see submission as being used, I don’t see it that way. To me, I want the feeling of being obedient and controlled, forgetting about my own pleasures to give pleasure to my Master. That doesn't have to be a humiliating, demeaning, or degrading experience - it can be liberating - it can give me freedom to be myself in a truly safe environment.
In doing that, my own pleasure also comes, pleasing Him, pleases me. If I have learned my lessons and I behave well, then that pleases Him.
So, what do I hope for, what are my aspirations, what do I strive to achieve?
I am certain of what I want and need in my life, and that is I need to have a Masterwho is in control, who gives me structure, rules, and guidance. I need to know that I can sit at His feet and feel safe and secure, that I can give Him my submission, totally, wholly, without reservation and can trust Him to know what is right for me.
I know that in order to achieve this, I have to surrender my control to my Master. Without that, there can be no achievement, no satisfaction, no fulfilment.
I still have so much to learn but, this, I know, is what I need and crave in my life. I will learn my lessons, and will learn to please Him, to make Him proud of me and I will revel in my submission.
I will take pride in being controlled by Him and will trust Him to know what is right for me in my life, to make the decisions, to teach me how to be a good and honourable sub,
I know that I feel lost without it, I have no direction, my mind wanders, I cannot focus on things, and I can’t see clearly.
I now know that the control is what makes the dynamics of a D/s relationship work, it is the basic element in the relationship from which everything else stems. It needs to be respected and cherished. It needs to be given and taught with confidence by the Master, and in turn, needs to be learned and accepted, without question, by the sub.
Once the trust and control is given, the rest flows naturally, the sub can learn, and the Master can teach.
I also know, that submission is not a sign of weakness, it takes great strength to be a sub, to give up the control of your life, to put that in someone else’s hands, and it can be scary knowing you are doing that.
© Kim Debron 2005
Sources of Information:
ABIS Australia www.ozabis.info/
Master Joe – my Master who was Professionally trained
2 years later, i revisited Control