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This article is written by me – Kim Debron – it is owned by me. If you copy it, please give the credit to me, otherwise you are committing an act of plagiarism – you are stealing my work.


Obedience as described in the dictionary means:


  • The state or quality of being obedient

  • The act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance.


In simple terms then, it means to do as you are told.


Obedience is important in many aspects of everyday life – we try to teach our children to obey so that they are well behaved, we teach our animals to obey so that they are well trained.

In employment there are rules to be obeyed, and people or superiors to answer to. The job may not get done properly if people do not obey the orders.

Soldiers must obey their commanding officers – their lives could depend on it.


Where does obedience fit within the BDSM lifestyle?


In the D/s world, obedience is probably the singular most important quality a submissive/slave needs.

A Master or Mistress must have control over a submissive in order for the power exchange to take place, but without the element of obedience there would be no control.

A submissive needs the control in order to make her life complete, but needing it and obeying every command are often two very different things.


In the everyday life of a submissive, obedience can make the difference between a successful D/s relationship and a difficult one. Every request from the Dominant should be obeyed…. Every task should be completed.

It can be a very hard emotional battle to always obey, and i believe i have yet to meet a submissive/slave that is 100% obedient.


I know in my own relationship with Master, i do not always want to obey, i do not always believe that His way is the right way, but, as His submissive, i must trust Him to do the best for me, and therefore if He asks me to do something, i must do it. The most difficult thing is to obey when i don’t want to, and i do struggle with this concept at times, however, the need to please Him, and to serve Him overrides the thought of disobeying.


Sometimes it is the small things that can be hardest to do.

Master may ask for my hand across the table – in front of guests. Thoughts run through my mind of why He wants my hand, what is He intending to do, He may wish to pinch my skin, bite my finger, kiss my hand or stroke my “trigger finger” to put me into the throes of an orgasm, right then and there??

Part of my mind says “oh no i can’t do that” -  and that is the moment of truth – of obedience. Do i extend my hand to Him or do i say no.

In that instance, i would never say no – though i may be wary, i obey His command. One reason is that i would never want to disgrace Him in that way in front of anyone else, but also the intrinsic need to obey and to please Him takes precedence.


If we can make obedience a vital and necessary element in the relationship, then everything flows smoothly, the Dominant is confident that the submissive will do as she/he is told, and the submissive in turn trusts that the Dominant knows best and therefore, even if it is a battle, obedience wins out.


There is an important part of a D/s relationship where obedience is paramount, and that is in play.

A submissive must obey any command given in a play situation – this is where the power exchange is at its highest level. The Dominant is in charge, it is a big responsibility to take control of someone’s wellbeing, and because of the very nature of what we do, there is some risk of being hurt if things go wrong.

Trust, then, is another element of obedience in this situation. The submissive must have complete trust in the Dominant, so that she will obey any command given – her life may depend on it.


A good example is from my own experience of knife play with Master.

He can have a very sharp knife in His hand and may want to run it across my skin, it can be done safely and without cutting me as long as i obey His command to “keep very still”

However, though i want desperately to obey, and i know that i need to obey, this is very hard for me as i am so ticklish. It takes every ounce of my self control to obey His order, not because i want to disobey but because i find it almost impossible to do it.

In the end the need to obey wins out and i try my hardest. I might just add that i have never been harmed or cut by the knife!


Of course it isn’t only the edge play scenarios where obedience must be adhered to.

Things such as a sensory play session can involve the ultimate test of obedience as well. For example, Master may decide to blindfold me and then give me different tastes and smells to assault my senses.


There is nothing more daunting than to be told to “stick out your tongue” and not know what you may get to taste. Will it be strawberry jam? Chocolate sauce, or chilli powder, onion or some other nasty tasting substance.

So do you obey or disobey? Of course you obey - what would be the point of disobeying Him, and disappointing Him, denying Him the pleasure of seeing you squirm.


Of course there are also some Dominants who actively encourage a submissive to misbehave, and disobey. It is the role play they have adopted and which forms the dynamic of their relationship.

It maybe a submissive behaving like a “naughty schoolgirl” with such behaviour as tongue poking, or foot stomping etc.

It may simply be a “bratty sub” out in public ending up being over a knee and soundly spanked!

In these cases then it isn’t really disobedience as such, because the submissive is obeying the whims and wants of the Dominant by being disobedient!


Most of the time, a submissive has been trained to obey her Master’s commands and does so without question, but there is often an inner struggle and it is important to remember that it is His pleasure, His desires and His needs that are met by your obedience.


I know that i want Master to be proud of my behaviour when we are out – i know as well that my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him therefore i must be obedient. I always try my very hardest to behave in the manner He expects, i want and need to do that, and so disobedience would never consciously enter my mind.


Sometimes being a collared and owned submissive means that i cannot have my say, cannot voice my opinion, at least not in public. This for me is the hardest test of my obedience, when i have something to say to someone and that right is denied. When i want to tell someone in no uncertain terms exactly what i think – yet i must always behave with respect and restraint.


Have i ever said the wrong thing to someone? Yes i have, i am not perfect by any means, and there have been one or two episodes of rudeness from others when i just could not keep my mouth closed.

I know that though Master may have been amused at what i said, or the way i said it, the fact that i actually said it would have disappointed Him, and in a way, that was disobedience because i know what is expected of me when we are out.


So, we can see then, that obedience really is one of the most important ingredients in a D/s relationship whether it be casual, or a more permanent arrangement.

No matter what, the submissive/slave must be obedient or at least try very hard to be, to enable the true power exchange and to smooth the way for both Dominant and submissive.


I recently came across a wonderful quote in a book, which basically says:


 “true submission is when you really, really do not want to do something, but you do it anyway.”


This, in my opinion, is the essence of obedience – and obedience is just one more crucial element which makes a D/s relationship work.


© Kim Debron 2007

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