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With the explosion of 50 shades of grey, there are a multitude of new and somewhat inexperienced people immersing themselves into what is our scene and community. This is of course, a good thing, bringing our lifestyle further into mainstream society and increasing acceptance of the way we choose to live.

But, what about the protocols and rules for our various activities. There are many people who take the time to learn about what is acceptable and what is not, however there are just as many who do not bother with what they would think as “trivial information” – and some of these are more seasoned community members who should know better and should not assume that because they have been around a while that the rules of acceptable behaviour do not apply to them.

 

So this article is my opinion of how we should behave and what protocols and rules should be observed.

 

A Munch is a gathering of kinky folk in a vanilla setting, usually catching up for a meal and drinks at a bar, restaurant, café or even an organised picnic or outing to a beach, park etc.

In this setting, we should appear just like any other bunch of people getting together and socialising.

We should not be wearing fetish clothing or any accessories such as obvious collars, restraints etc.

We may be talking about many kink related subjects, but it should not be loud enough to be overheard by the other “ordinary people”.

Children should not be taken to a munch, it might be a “vanilla gathering of kinky people” but subjects that should not be overheard by small inquisitive minds may well be discussed. Children are like sponges, they listen – even when you don’t think they are!

A munch is a great place for newbies to start their kinky journeys, but it is really important to be mindful of our behaviour.

 

A public event is exactly that – a BDSM event held in a public venue. Here in Melbourne there are various regular events and though the focus at each one is different, and the rules may vary slightly, there are some rules or protocols that apply to all events.

The most common ones are:

 

Do not touch other people’s property – remembering that “property” can include people.

Do not interrupt if someone is playing – wait until the scene is over before you ask questions.

Do not walk into a play scene – be mindful of the space needed to swing a flogger or cane, and be aware that there maybe implements such as knives laying in an open space, on a table, or makeshift table

Do not walk in between the Dominant and his or her equipment.

Do not assume that you can join in because it looks like fun!

Do not assume that all submissives or slaves are subservient to everyone in the room – most are not.

Do not assume that all Dominants are there for everyone to get played with.

Do not assume that someone wearing a collar is owned

Do not assume that someone not wearing a collar is not owned!

Do not assume that all females in the room are submissive!

Above all, remember your manners.

 

Most events have a list of rules and may or may not include things like

No full nudity

No sexual activity

No bare feet

No blood play

No take-down play

No harrassment of other patrons

No drugs, no excessive drinking

No cameras

 

It is a good idea to check out the rules beforehand, by contacting the event organiser or checking the website if it has one.

 

Some events have a person known as a DM (Dungeon Master/Mistress) who watches the play and keeps things safe within the rules of the event.

This should be someone who is experienced and has a good reputation within the community, and is not scared to walk up to the scariest Dominant and say “STOP”!

 

All events have a dress code – again it may vary but it usually goes something like this:

Basic black is accepted

Fetish, Kinky clothing is accepted

Blue jeans are not accepted

Runners are not accepted

 

People often query the “no blue jeans” rule but if you take a few minutes to think about it, the reason is mainly because most of the people take time and make an effort to dress up, so to be in a room where there are others just wearing “street clothes” can be disappointing. These dress code rules also stop anyone from just “walking in off the street”.

 

Really, behaviour at an event should be common sense, remember your manners, if unsure ask the organiser, and if you do make a mistake and it’s pointed out, don’t get offended, just own your mistake and apologise.

One thing to remember is that a BDSM event is NOT a swingers club.

 

 

A Private Party may have similar rules to a public event, or it may not. If you are invited to a private party, it is a good idea to ask about the rules, and if there are any activities that are out of bounds.

Make sure you ask about any possible dress code as well, as many private parties do include one, after all its not nice to get all dressed up, turn up and then find people in shorts, thongs and tee shirts!

 

Some of the basic rules that apply at a public event would also, in most cases, apply at a private party as well.. things like:

Do not walk in between a Dominant and his or her equipment

Do not touch other people’s property

Do not walk into the middle of people playing, be mindful of the space .

Do not talk loudly if you are watching the play

Do not ask questions or interrupt.

Do not assume you can just join in.

Remember your manners.

 

Some private parties maybe a free for all, in that anything goes – including sexual activities.

It’s a good idea to find out first, so you do not walk into something that will make you uncomfortable.

 

If you are running a party, then you are responsible for the safety and wellbeing of those who attend.

It is your responsibility to make sure everyone plays safely, and so when setting up, you should make sure that wipes are available to clean the equipment after each use.

You should be very clear about what is and is not allowed.

If you are going to let anyone and everyone have sex, then make sure all attendees know – because some people are uncomfortable in that environment, and it can be a shock to turn up to a play party and find various sexual activities going on.

 

In my opinion – the hosts of an event or party should not play. A host is meant to be making sure that everyone is okay, that people are playing responsibly, that there is enough food and drink etc, and generally be socialising with his or her guests – not blindly going along having a great time playing and drinking and not being mindful of what is going on around him or her.

 

Events, parties, munches, gatherings are all great places to have fun, to learn and to meet and interact with like minded people, but for the benefit of everyone there, my advice is to check out the rules and limitations BEFORE you turn up at the door.

 

© Kim Debron 2013.