kimdebron.com

When Master and i had our collaring ceremony, part of my vows were, that i pledged my heart, my mind, my body and my soul to Him - in other words, i gave Him the “Whole Girl”. That is the essence of what being a submissive is all about in my opinion - to give my whole being to Master, and i serve Him with that in mind every single day.

 

However, i am a grown woman, and i have had many life experiences, and had lived half a lifetime before Master found me and welcomed me to His world.

Not only am i Master Joe’s submissive, i am also a mother, a sister, a niece, an aunty, and a loyal friend to people i have known for many years.

 

The question once came up in discussion with another submissive, about how to keep your own personality while still giving your whole self to your Master. She, like me, wrestled with that very dilemma in her life.

 

So how do i balance my submissiveness and my need to give Master all of me, with the other elements that make up “ ‘kim’ Property of Master Joe”.

For example, I also have a need to be mother to my son, and that need is on the same level as the need to give Master all of me..

What happens when they clash - which is more important? The mother or the submissive, they are both one and the same person but the elements of each are poles apart.

In one relationship, i am the support, the other i am supported, in one i am the teacher and the advisor, in the other i am the student.

Because my son is an adult and lives independently – it makes it easier to define the boundary, but it is still hard to balance those distinctively different elements of me.

I often get into a dilemma if my son rings up – i want to rush to the phone to speak with him, but what happens if i am serving Master in some way? Should my son be made to wait? Or do i ask Master for permission to talk to him – should i even need to ask permission? Does this come under the heading of being Master Joe’s submissive, or is this David’s mother?

 

It is hard to find the right answers to the questions. If i make my son wait, then he is being controlled by Master, and is that fair? But does my relationship with my son come under the umbrella of me being Master Joe’s submissive?

I should perhaps add here, that my son has a very rare, incurable and sometimes debilitating genetic muscle disorder, and needs more contact and more support than most other 24 year olds.

In this situation, i am extremely lucky to have a Master who is not only aware of the unusually close bond my son and i share, but is also a very supportive part of my son’s life too, and actually encourages the contact between us.

Having said that though, there are times when i am torn between being the mother and being Master’s submissive.

 

What about other situations though?

How about my natural personality and characteristics - which actually don’t fit the traditional image of a submissive.

I am a funny, open minded, sometimes outspoken, passionate and emotional person, yet as Master’s submissive i find myself having to suppress that side of me, possibly not as often as i should, but more than i am comfortable with at times.

I have found that there are situations where i want to speak up, yet my submission to Master stops me.

 

I have learnt to bite my own tongue very well!!

 

However, this worries me – worries me that i will lose the very personality that makes me who i am, and that is something i do fight against occasionally.

 

Again, i feel that i am extremely fortunate to have a Master who allows me to express my opinion, at least in private, though He often cautions me about doing so in public, and indeed, i am acutely aware of that anyway.

I suppose in analysing it, my submission to Him overrides my outspokenness and my passion for my beliefs.

I know that my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him and perhaps because of our position in the scene, i am very guarded with my opinions, unless asked outright, and even then my responses are fairly diplomatic.

At home though, it is a different story and i am sure that He has many more grey hairs on His head since my first tentative steps over the threshold into His world!

I know that Master values my opinion, but i also know that i am often told to stop - when i feel like i am just getting started!

I also know that as i have become older, and moved forward in my life, i have learnt to let some things slide – things that would have bothered me when i was younger, now do not seem to have the same effect, or if they do, i can rationalise that it is better to let it go than to upset the equilibrium.

It does depend on what it is though, if it something close to my heart that i am passionate about, or emotional about, it is much harder to bite my tongue.

If i am accused of something i have not done (which is a rare occurrence) or if i KNOW without doubt that i am right, no matter what anyone says, then it is hard to stay silent.

If i feel there has been an injustice or something really isn’t fair, then my sense of right and wrong kicks in and submissive or not, i have to speak my mind!

I know that this is not always the “correct” submissive behaviour, but as i can often be heard to remark to Master, “if You wanted a doormat, Sir, You’ve got the wrong girl!”

 

I have questioned my submission many times over situations where i feel the need to speak out.

Am i really a submissive, or just a girl who likes being spanked and flogged?

If i am a genuine submissive, why can i not learn the lesson of keeping my mouth closed!

I sometimes wonder if, because the nature of my submission to Master is so complete and intense, am i losing the intrinsic part of my personality that would speak up no matter what?

 

My answer to this question, is not exactly simple, but i have come to the following conclusion:

If i am indeed losing a part of my personality, then i have gained in other areas of my life and my being. My choice to be Master’s submissive has given me so much in terms of completeness in my life, that there is no other place in the world i would rather be, than at His feet and serving Him.

Also, because i am submissive, i am choosing to let go of that more outspoken part of me, so it isn’t a loss, more a choice, made willingly in theory, but much harder to live with in reality.

 

So, it is about choices, it is about choosing to let go of some things and embracing others.

Master says i will never actually lose those parts of me that make up “ ‘kim’ Property of Master Joe”, its just that some of them are moved sideways to make room for newer elements in my personality.

 

It is – as with everything in life, a balancing act which is always changing as we grow, and as we move forward.

 

© Kim Debron  (Original 2006, last edit 2009)