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This article is written by me – Kim Debron – it is owned by me. If you copy it, please give the credit to me, otherwise you are committing an act of plagiarism – you are stealing my work.

The Struggles that come with a Collar

Being Collared is something that nearly every sub or slave aspires to, they want to be owned and collared, they want that security and that reward if you like – and it is indeed a wonderful feeling – that moment when a collar is placed around your neck, when important and meaningful words are said, it is a definitive moment in your life.


Many people equate it to getting married. Sometimes there are big celebrations and a public Ceremony, sometimes it is much more intimate with close friends, and sometimes it’s just the two people involved, but however it is done, it isn’t something to be taken lightly, nor is it something you ever forget – at least not in my experience anyway.

So, let’s imagine that you’ve been collared, the ceremony is over, the guests are gone, and now life goes back to normal – whatever that looks like for you. The difference is that now you are wearing His or Her collar – now you are owned, and now you have a higher level of responsibility to make sure that you don’t disgrace Him in any way.

One of the most important things is remembering that everything you say or do is a reflection on your Master – and that can be a struggle at times. If you are a strong willed and fearless person (like me…….. ) there will be moments when you want scream and yell at the world about something, and yet, you can’t because your actions and words are a reflection on your Master. This is about obedience, if He says you can’t make a comment, then you have to obey whether you want to or not.

Obedience in itself can be a huge struggle – I’ve heard people say that being obedient is the hardest thing in these relationships. I don’t know if I’d agree with that but it sure can be a struggle. Imagine you’re sitting at the dinner table, with guests, and He says “Give me your hand NOW” – All kinds of things go through your mind – why does He want my hand? What is he going to do? Is He going to stab me with a fork? Cut me with a knife? Bite me?  You hold out your hand and He kisses it – but you didn’t know what He was going to do….. you hold it out anyway because you are obedient – but the struggle in your mind is very real at the time.

Decision making is another thing – decisions are made by the Master, it’s His responsibility to make the best decisions for you, for your health, your safety, your wellbeing, but what if you don’t agree, what if you would have made a different decision?  When you struggle with this, it’s important to remember that you made the initial choice not to be the leader, it can be hard, but remembering the basics of why you went into the relationship in the first place can help a lot.

Having to remove whatever your symbol of ownership may be – not everyone wears an actual collar, some wear anklets, or bracelets, or necklaces – but if you’re used to wearing it all the time, having to remove it can be a struggle in your mind. I know if I have to take off my neck and wrist chains – I always feel just a little bit detached and I want to get them back on as soon as possible.

What if you have to assume control for some reason, your Master may be ill or in hospital and you have to shoulder the responsibility for everything – this can be a real struggle for some of us. I personally do not find it a struggle, I was a single parent for some time, and I think my mind reverts back to that , but I can imagine that it would be hard for others. When someone else is making all the decisions, then all of a sudden that falls on you. When this happens, I think it’s important to remember that you’re obeying orders by being in charge. By turning it around in your mind, it can become easier and less of a struggle.

The final point I’m going to talk about is “kink vs vanilla” or “Vanilla thinking”.

This can be a huge struggle – we’re conditioned from an early age to do things like serve the guests first, let the ladies go first, open doors for them etc, but in an M/s or Power Exchange world, that can look very different.

If we have guests, Sir is always served first unless He tells me otherwise. That’s not what society sees as correct behaviour, and in the vanilla world that’s true, but we don’t live like that.

Many Dominants do open doors for their subs/slaves, I knew one M/s couple where He would open the car door for her to get in, and she was not allowed to open it to get out, she had to wait for him – it was frustrating for her but she obeyed all the time, even when he sometimes forgot about her for a while. Equally, many subs open the doors for their Masters. That’s the one that raises eyebrows.. a female opening the door for a male……

Vanilla thinking can be hard to get around, I remember when I was very new to all of this and Sir took me to a club, there was someone – a Dom – who wanted to speak to Him about something, the place was pretty crowded, so I stood up and offered him my chair – I didn’t realise it was not the right thing to do, I thought I was being polite and well mannered…… I did struggle with that in my mind for a while, until it was explained to me.

In conclusion, the struggles that we face in our minds when we wear a Master’s Collar can be overcome with clear thinking, and support and consistency from the Master.

© Kim Debron 2020

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